Quiet

A friend just lent me the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. I finished it in two days, which might provide some indication that I am in fact an introvert, since I spent two straight nights curled up with a book instead of speaking to anyone.

I have a feeling that some people who read this will be well aware that I'm an introvert, while some may be shocked. In certain social situations with small groups of people with whom I'm comfortable, I have been known to be loud and obnoxious. At work I'm assertive and out-spoken and have been known not to shy away from trouble no matter the price. (Although I'm being remarkably good at my current job.) I love public-speaking and am good at it, and one of my dream jobs is in stakeholder engagement. I have volunteered to teach classes and enjoyed it.

When I took the Meyers-Briggs test several years ago, I rated I/E, or an ambivert, but the four-letter description with I was way more apropos than the four-letter description with E. 

My biggest introversion? Meeting new people without a well-defined role. I would never go to a party alone, and when I do go, I am liable to only talk to the few people I already know. When I participate in Team in Training, I love to be a mentor, because then I have a job to do that requires me to talk to people, so I don't have to figure out how to socialize on my own. Networking? Forget it. How do you walk up to a group of people and insert yourself in an ongoing conversation without seeming like a weird lurker? I have no idea. I collect very few business cards and give away even fewer.

My favorite conference is the ACEEE Summer Study on Energy Efficiency in Buildings. Besides its amazing location at the beach in Asilomar and the amazing range of fascinating topics, everyone eats meals in a huge dining hall at round tables. And it is not uncommon for people, like me, to go in by themselves and be seated at random. I have a feeling this situation still might be difficult for some introverts, but for me it's perfect - I have a reason to talk to people - we're trapped at the same table. In fact, this is how I got my current job - I happened to be seated next to the director of the energy technologies division at LBNL, we discussed our shared interests in energy and water, and we exchanged cards. When I emailed him later, he passed my info on to someone else, who passed it on one more time, and suddenly I had an interview and a job offer. The problem with this version of networking? It's the luck of the draw. I mean, I could get seated next to someone like me, who doesn't have much cachet in the world.

My next biggest introverted tendency? Fear of small talk. I ride the lab shuttle to and from work nearly every day. A few other people in my building ride the same shuttle, and I know them. Every day, we each sit in our own seats in the shuttle. Then when we arrive at the lab, we walk into work together and chat on the short walk. I can handle this few minutes of chatting. But being trapped next to someone on the shuttle for 20 minutes and having to engage in conversation without awkward silence? That's anxiety-inducing for sure. And these are nice, friendly people. I'm not entirely sure if they are introverted as well, or if they are just respecting my obvious introversion. I often prefer hanging out in small groups instead of one-on-one so that there is less pressure on me to keep the conversation going. Obviously with some people this is no problem, but having back-up is often fabulous.

I'm also very threat-oriented instead of reward-oriented. I abhor criticism, even of the constructive variety, I worry about making mistakes, I worry about people being angry at me. I refuse to participate in the stock market.

I rarely talked in class and thought that most be who did were full of B.S. and just liked to hear their own voices.

And finally, my introversion produces a need for downtime. I can be exhausted by certain social situations. I actually feel as though I am getting better at this over the years, but it might just be that I have so much downtime built into my schedule now. I am a pretty good homebody, so I have plenty of time for recharging.

***

Cain talks about how some introverts are able to basically meld them into someone else to be extroverts in certain situations, and how having special projects that you care about makes it easier to take on this role. I am not sure if I just happen to have extroverted tendencies in key areas that help me deal with a world that loves extroverts, or if I've just conditioned myself over the years.

Cain notes that shyness and introversion are not necessarily the same thing, but for me they are very related. Until I was 16, I was often painfully shy in school, except with my groups of friends or basketball teams. I remember one incident in the bathroom of high school, which at lunch time was always so full of girls doing their make-up that it was nearly impossible to wash one's hands. After trying to wriggle in to the sink without having to talk to anyone, some girls started making fun of me. I realized I needed to be more assertive. We moved to a new town that summer, and I was able to sort of reinvent myself. Maybe that helped spurred my collection of some extroverted tendencies. Nature vs. nurture - that's discussed in the book as well, of course without any real answers.

After reading the book, I actually feel as though I am doing pretty well in the world of extroverts. I could certainly learn from some of the tips, such as how to use my introversion to be a good negotiator. (I am a terrible negotiator and have a lot of difficulty selling myself, especially in places that aren't meritocracies.) There are also great sections on how to deal with relationships between extroverts and introverts and how to deal with introverted kids.

One of the things that interested me was in the discussion questions at the end, when it asked who you know who is an introvert. I realize that I have no idea. I have several guesses. But when I think about people I know, I have a lot of trouble determining whether they are introverts. Maybe this is part of my extroverted tendencies - to not reflect on every little thing. Perhaps I'm not observant. I don't know.

Are you an introvert? (Take the quiz.) Have you read this book? How do you feel about introversion? Do you feel discriminated against? Have you made changes to help you succeed in the extroverted world we live in?